not the same anymore.

YFriday, November 7, 2008' 9:16 AM

**i dun need anyone pity after reading my blog..
sorry if i sounded rude.. but i dun need any pity.. its hurts.

hihi..
its late now, and i should be in bed bcos tmr i work in the morning but instead i am still posting.. today work at 3pm.. so ya anyway i late for work for 10 mins.. today, I became casher.. can u believe it??? i dun wan to be.. cos i feel tat i am slow n stupid n blur... and the ppl there always say tat i am stuipd althought i noe tat they are playing.. but still hurt.. so ya, they wan to train me to be one, cos they not enough casher.. so today like 6plus or i think 7 or ealier.. i became casher.. still have some help here n there la.. but i noe tat i still cannot make it... actually today have some simple math i still dunnoe need to think for like so so long.. den i think the costumer got a little fan.. anyway got the right change for him.. its 2 dollars.. and i have to think so long.. am i stupid?? yes i am right? even the ppl there oso say, my daughter is oso clever den u.. y u so stupid.. haha see.. how else must i think? i noe he dun mean it, but i still angry.. but not angry wif him.. but wif myself.. why such simple thing i oso cannot do? why? y must i be so stupid? why i cannot even do such a simple thing? even tat i can even let ppl say me stupid? haha how much more can i take? i thought tat after last week i will be happy.. but this week.. its seem worse.. i dun wan to be sad i dun wan to cry.. but in my heart.. i am.. so painful.. so pain.. i wanna cry, cry out loud to let myself feel more better.. i wan to cry really.. so badly.. cos it really hurts alot.. sometime when the problem is myself, it will hurt v v badly.. wat happen lately? why i have all this feelings back? i thought all this have gone.. i never noe tat it deep down in my heart n its finding its way up.. its hurt so much.. i never noe tat i am so stupid.. hahaha why whenever i try my best its dun seem enough to ppl? is it bcos i never try hard enough? or am i just so stupid? hahaha

on my way back to work today.. i take train.. i saw something. one mother was carrying her sleeping child.. i was thinking, if my ...... n ...... was here for me, will things be tat bad after all? will they cuddle me like tat child who seem to be protected by the mother.. will i still feel so much hurt? will i still feel the pain? why are u all not there for me when i needed you all the most? why everything i must take it all by myself.. no matter happy or sad? i dun blame my ...... i noe tat he try his v best already.. but.. u n ...... are still not there.. i still have to let everything keep in my heart.. take everything all by myself... noe wat.. i longed for yr hugs.. i longed for you to be there for me, to tell me tat everything will be alright will be fine, ..... n ..... will be there for u.. u r not alone.. u still have us.. but hahaha hahaha i dun have.. nth.. i really have walked this lonely n painful path by myself for 16 years.. do i still have to walk on like this?? how many times have i cried? how many time have i told myself, everything will be fine.. u all r there for me when i noe tat its not true.. i needed u all so badly!!! where are u all!! where have u all gone to?? why? why i have to take everything by myself? all i need is for u all to say tat u all r there for me.. is tat tat difficult? i am so tired.. who will come and walk wif me? walk wif me this lonely n painful path? so much for yr loves.. so much..

its so painful.. i miss u all.. i need u all.. but so wat!! its only me.. the only me.. i am willing to exchange everything just for tat words.. wat i longed for is u all spend a day wif me let me feel wat is it like to have a ...... n ......, how is it like to be loved by both.. what i wanted was so simple yet so difficult to be done.. and all tat i am willing to exchange everything tat i have.. inculding my life..

painful path only me...