not the same anymore.

YTuesday, September 29, 2009' 10:32 AM

HELLO

IM BACK TO SINGAPORE! am i miss by you ppl? I do miss my frenz and my lovely bed. LOLs although aunt house is cool! hehe, anyway cannot stay at JB for too long, or else i think i will just grow damn fat. cos keep eating non stop. sibei jialet! so must CONTROL!!!! LOLs mon night before coming back, was talking to aunt. sometimes really enjoyed talking to her. hmm, talked about many many many things. and it really get me started to think. i realise that actually my family are no longer the same as before. it looked ok, but in fact its not. its kinda pain to think about it. i oso quite useless, after so long den realise. there is 5 group of ppl in my family. my first uncle, second uncle, third is my dad, 4 uncle and my auntie. my father sister. LOLs all the surnames are CHOONG. and i think none is as good. hmm, i dunnoe how to explain. dun ask either. cos i won say. i miss the times when i am younger, things are more simpler. but there is one person missing in my life. and it did hurt. if i could turn the time back. i think i will not let the things happen. its so much different now. couldn't explain. i feel pain, when i think about it last night. i forget when is the last time when all are eating together. even now CNY, some are not even back. now i realise how important it is. maybe its kinda too late to say it now. time cannot turn back. all its NOW! i believe i am in the valley again. this time, its a darker one, for me to go through it. help myself and my family. and one more thing, actually i am not a good sister. i am a bad example to my brother, i did not care for him, i know he is not bad, just that he dunnoe how to show the way he care and concern. and me, i only think about myself but not him. how selfish can i be? is there a way for him and me to build a relationship that he will tell me things when he is upset? will he open up to me when i really try my best? i am such a failure. nth goes right, now. today went to prayer meeting at clark quay. i was suppose to meet unlce JX and mummy Simin, but i called both of them, none pick up. in e end, i went to sit at the river or sea? i dunnoe. i sat there, memories flow back. bad one and happy one. it hurts all of the sudden. and i could not hold back my tears. things just turn out badly i think. i lost a fren. whom i use to trust tat much but she dun. there, its a place that i would not wanna really step in till i am really able to let go. i did not really tell ppl. tears are just flowing.. pain, still there. memories are oso there. maybe that is becos i am useless. i cannot forgive myself. i lose. lose to the devil once again today. i am lost in the road once again. it became so dark. cannot see. only feel the bad things once again. i am reminded of the things that i dun wan. i need god's hand to hold me, guide me. i know he is always there for me, now its the time for me to really open up to him i guess. i am too tired to hold on to it. its bringing me down. down. down. i dunnoe if i can, maybe its time. i must try. im saying all this. but can i really do it? its another problem. guess its time for me to learn.
sigh. tears are meant to be drop..